Maulana Wahiduddin Khan I The Speaking Tree I November 3, 2013
It is true that adjustment is the only formula for a successful married life. But it is not adjustment for the sake of adjustment — it is for a higher purpose, that is, to create a normal environment in which it will be possible to achieve the real purpose of married life.
Married life is not simply co-travelling. It is rather co-sharing. Both partners in a marriage possess something unique and each needs to share that with the other. Every one of us is born with different qualities, and each one is in need of having a share of them from one’s partner, so that both partners may develop their personalities in a better way.
In married life both the partners are givers and at the same time takers. So, both the partners need favourable conditions in which it may be possible to benefit from each other.
Life is like a cogwheel. If man has one cog, the woman has the other cog, and both are in need of communion so that a joint effort may be possible.
I know a number of marriages in which both the parties, being aware of this fact, tried to make adjustments. But they were quite conscious that their doing so was not merely for the sake of adjustment, but for the sake of mutual sharing. Thus, their marriage proved to be successful.
One very important aspect of marriage is what I call intellectual partnership. Every day we face problems; every day there are some new issues — we have to take some decisions, we want to explore some new area in the world of ideas.
This is important for everyone, man and woman, both. Every one of us needs to have an intellectual partner with whom we can have a dialogue, and try to discover better options. And the best intellectual partner is no other than your spouse.
Everyone has adopted what may be called the adjustment culture — the businessman with his customers, every working man or woman with his or her boss. I think this is good, although the goal of this adjustment is only the money to be earned. But this adjustment culture is essential also between husband and wife. By adopting this adjustment culture in married life, you can earn something that is far more important than money.
When you converse with your partner, it is bound to give rise to new ideas. In this sense, the process of intellectual partnership leads to intellectual development. And, intellectual development is the greatest goal for every man and woman.
Human beings are by nature, explanation-seeking. So when you talk about adjustment in married life, both partners could ask, “Why adjustment?” So, you have to give a good explanation, otherwise any talk of adjustment will not have the right impact upon them. They may agree with your sermon on adjustment, but they will not follow it in their practical life.
Home-conferencing
My experience is in the field of scholarship; I know that study is the basis of scholarship, but only book-reading is not enough to develop a high level of scholarship. This requires exchange and dialogue. This is the concept of those activities which are called seminars and conferences. But your spouse is an ever-ready intellectual partner. Your partner is available at all times, day and night.
Home-conferencing is far more beneficial than the formal conferencing which takes place in an auditorium. Discover this aspect of married life and any amount of adjustment will seem to be insignificant.